Implosion 2

Implosion is the word that might describe what I see after observing myself over the last year.

I was someone, and became somebody else,
all the stuff I never gave much thought, I now do.

I did most of the things I once thought were not appropriate for me,

observing me changing sometimes gives me a chill of fear that I will not recognize myself any more.

I don't feel myself changing, I mean everyday, I don't wake up saying today I will change this and that,
yet at times I observe the change, is this me? I sometimes don't know,

My family when I went back home for a short visit said: you changed. I didn't see it then, but sometimes it flashes by my eyes, yes I did change,

I have always been the same way, but hiding behind lots of things, when my environment changed, all my inhibitions were lost and I let out, yet a lot is going to get out, this is not the end of it I can feel it.

sometimes I feel I'll regret changing one day when I am old and grumpy in that wheel chair with my grandchild pushing me around and wondering how old her/his grandma is and how she looked when she was younger, was she beautiful one day?

Wow, that would be so sad, cause I wondered the same thing with my grandma, was she a beautiful lady some time before, then I saw her picture in the year book of her school, she asked me to pin point her, I couldn't, and I picked a wrong person, she pointed to her self, Oh my God, how beautiful she was, ofcourse it had been 70 years before.

I can't = I won't

This is me talking to myself, and confusing both of them!

"So I have been running away from you, hiding behind: I can't,
I am always afraid of something, anything, just to have that fear around me, paralyzing my thinking, then I panic, and cry, then insist that I can't face you,

but finally I did it, I finally understood, that I can't = I won't, and if I believe that I can, then I will.

Talking with you gave me my strength back, I love you and I never stopped, may be I went away for a while, may be I will go away again, I am not sure, but now when I am close to you, or at least trying to be close to you, I am all here for you. "